From Hunter at The Daily Kos

Sun Jan 27, 2008 at 10:00:00 AM PST

In the year 2000, a devastating blow was dealt to conservative ideology. They were at long last given simultaneous control of all parts of government, and a chance to implement their philosophies.

The outcome proved, of course, to be a fiasco of monumental proportions. From budget surpluses to record deficits; unchecked pork; a tide of corruption, both moral and legal, that thinned their ranks like smallpox; mismanagement of even basic government tasks, such as emergency response capabilities; a national economy constantly teetering between mere sluggishness and outright recession; the entrance into a quagmire of a war, one with unclear initial purpose and even less clear strategies for exit. And those are just the highlights.

It would be enough to drive even the most sane person to despair; in fact, the more sane you are, the more likely you are to feel despair over any of these things. With the agonizing lack of grace of a faceplanting pole vaulter, and in every realm -- economics, oversight, foreign policy, etc. -- conservatism unleashed into the real world met, once again, with abject and humiliating failure. It seems there is no aspect of government that conservatism is actually good at, once the adherents are given any more responsibilities than being the besuited blowhards of Washington cocktail parties.

I thought it might be appropriate, at this point, to go over the five conservative stages of grief. They are taken directly from Kubler-Ross, and so are solidly backed by the best psychological modeling. In their moments of understandable despair over actually having finally been given the unfair and dastardly opportunity to put their signing pens where their mouths have been, as opposed the previous years of merely erupting, geyserlike, on Fox News every evening about what they could do if they were in charge, it is expected that most conservatives will at this point go through at least some of these stages of grief. Since we are not ogres, here, we will simply wish them well and pray for their speedy recovery.

Stage 1: John McCain. In the McCain stage of grief, a conservative is mentally aware of their surroundings but unable to emotionally process the information. The result is a mental short-circuit. Sufferers are especially prone to thinking that the Iraq War is going spectacularly well; they may even wander open-air marketplaces in which they are protected by a hundred or more fully armed United States soldiers, with helicopter gunship support, and remark aloud at how normal and stable and safe their location obviously is. Denial may also exist over the state of the economy, of their own party, or, especially, their own past actions.

The McCain stage of grief is known to last years or even decades. Fortunately, the sufferer usually loses all concept of time, such that they cannot differentiate between any particular six month period, and will eventually declare them all to be "a hundred years" long.

Stage 2: Rudy Giuliani. The Giuliani stage of grief is marked by constant, seething anger. Individuals may reduce their entire range of emotional responses to one, that of constant, self-righteous rage. The stage is usually accompanied by Napoleonic fantasies, declaring the fearsome breadth of their own inner fury to be the only salvation not just of themselves, but of the entire world in which they live. Every situation, every social interaction, and every problem is met with a frequently irrational and always militant response.

Long-term sufferers of the Giuliani stage may eventually suffer from a permanent bug-eyed expression and the onset of sociopathy. They may sometimes be mistaken for necrophiliacs.

Learn about the final three stages of grief: Romney Stage, Thompson State and ending tragically in the Huckabee Stage...

Tags: GOP

Labels: Bush, Conservative, Giuliani, GOP, Grief, Huckabee, McCain, RNC, Romney, Thompson